I took some much-needed time off today.
I slept in, made coffee, read several articles, danced to Tay Swift’s new album (obsessed), painted my nails, FaceTimed my bestie in Scotland, made a Gap run, watched a couple episodes of Sex and the City and here I sit comfortably on my couch in my leggings & a sweatshirt. It’s glorious. Minus the having a cold thing.
When I sat down, I knew I wanted to type. I have so many things on my mind lately. My mind is in a constant state of chaos, going back and forth on so many things. When does it all begin to just make sense? Ever?
Like, I wonder why some mornings I wake up, skip on over to yoga and make a beautiful, refreshing smoothie post-sweat sesh. And then 24 hours later I wake up and wonder what I could possibly offer the world, me and my 24-year-old brain, knowing so little.
“My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run.”
There are moments when commitment to anything sounds completely ludicrous. There are other moments where I am so sure of my career path & the people in my life. I consider myself more Type A, but many think I’m a free spirited gal. So what are other people’s perceptions of me versus my own?
Is it as simple as choosing who you want to be and owning it? I think that will be one of my biggest curiosities in life. We control so much of our lives with the lenses we wear, don’t we? How much power do we have when we put what we want out to the universe? How much does envisioning your future get you closer to where you want to be?
When I am interested in something, I’m immediately all in. I don’t dip my toes very often. I plunge right in, wholeheartedly. And when all the pieces start coming together, I begin questioning everything. Doubt seeps in and I’m stuck wondering if I made the right decision. It’s a pretty regular, frustrating cycle.
I guess I’m just pondering if this whole back and forth, routine or run, contradictory thought process is long term. Or can I just decide that I am going to a version of Emily that seems best (for now) and push forward? Oh the joys of growing up. 🙂